ASYLUM - For all mankind

When the world's financial structure collapsed six months ago we almost believed the age of the wealthy idiot was coming to an end.

We were wrong. All around the globe, from the oyster bars of London to the yachts of the French Riviera, the super-rich have persisted, breathing in the pungent fumes of success, vanity and breast-enhancement surgery.

Ministry of Sound founder James Palumbo knows this world well. In his journey from Eton and Oxford to the heights of business and club-culture, he has never been far from wealth. Now his debut novel, Tomas -- a fantastical, violent and and very funny portrayal of a world obsessed by reality TV and the "bloated bankers, Russian roubles, salacious socialites and filthy footballers" that rule over it -- rings with intense personal experience.

In an effort to break down the barriers between the rich and the rest of society, and to make us feel better about being part of the latter, we asked Palumbo for some pointers on how to spot the super-rich, and how to laugh, speak and dress like they do.

Read Palumbo's tips and watch a surreal animated trailer for the book after the jump.



(Tomas by James Palumbo is published by Quartet, priced £10.)

This weekend saw sports records fall all over the world. Not only did Joey Chestnut eat more hot dogs than any man has ever eaten, and some guy named Roger won some tennis or something, but the nation of Finland also entered the history books by taking gold and bronze at the 14th annual Wife-Carrying World Championships.

Tisto Mietten sprinted the full 250-metre course (including two jumps and a pool), while carrying his wife, Kristiina Haapanen, on his back, in just 62 seconds.

The Finn's 0.1 second victory over Estonia's Alar Voogla ended 11 years of Estonian dominance in the contest. Estonia revolutionised the sport of wife-carrying by pioneering a new type of overhead grip, and since 1998 have always taken gold.

Now it's Finland's turn to celebrate.

"Our win tastes now really good," Miettinen said, charitably crediting the victory to his wife, even though as far as we can tell she didn't do much but slow him down.

For their part the Estonian pair said they were happy with silver, but suggested the cool weather had negatively affected their race. Yeah, yeah. We've heard that one before.

The village of Sonkajaervi, north of Helsinki, now welcomes competitors from eight nations to its annual race, which was inspired by a local legend of a thug who stole women. It's nice to know something so glorious emerged from something so gruesome.

Check out a video primer to wife-carrying contests after the jump.

Last Saturday was July 4, also known as Independence Day, the traditional holiday where Americans gather with their families and watch a man named Joey Chestnut eat hot dogs. Yes, not only was July 4 the celebration of a nation's birth, it was also the annual hot-dog eating contest at Nathan's restaurant on Coney Island, New York City. This year Chestnut retained the title for the Americans by eating 68 hot dogs in ten minutes, two more than the previous world record. Check out all the pictures from the event below.

In 'signs of the inevitable primate revolution' news today, around 5,000 visitors to the Chester Zoo were evacuated after 30 male chimps escaped from their compound.

Fortunately for humanity the rebellion was not well planned. Once free of their main enclosure the chimps made straight for the area where their food is prepared, and not the zoo's security centre as we would have expected. (What -- have they never seen Return of the Jedi? Take down the main shields then attack the main objective. Amateurs!)

The chimps' moment of gluttony gave zoo staff the vital time they needed to evacuate visitors and move the animals back into their enclosure. In the end the chimps never posed a danger to the public, since they were always locked in by a larger security fence.

Still, we're not convinced by this apparent 'failure' on the part of the chimps. Who's to say this wasn't just a scouting mission? Watch this space -- we'll be under the thumb of a great ape dictator by the end of the summer...

(Our daily sports news cheat sheet.)

Federer 'staggered' by record-breaking 15th Grand Slam win. (BBC)

Tiger is back on winning form. (CNN)

Onions beats Harmison to Ashes team place. (Guardian)

City attempt to woo Terry with £40million offer. (Times)

Cavendish wins Tour De France stage. (Telegraph)

Ronaldo claims Spanish league has 'more quality'. (Sun)

(Our weekly recap of the best of Asylum.)

Post of the Week -- Ten things never to say to girls at the gym

For a lot of guys, the gym seems like a natural place to chat up women. After all, you already know she takes care of her body, and the natural state of red-faced sweatiness makes it pretty easy to imagine her mid-coitus. Before you set out on your treadmill seduction, however, read some words of advice from one lady who already knows your game.

Sports -- Cricket + Sex = FAIL (a pictorial history)

Sex -- Peepshow, the 'sexiest stage show in the world'.

Gadgets -- Walkman turns thirty years old.

Weird --Man has boss killed to avoid the sack

Poll of the Week -- Have celebrity death hoaxes gone too far?

Crush of the Week -- Marion Cotillard in Public Enemies.

Vid of the Week -- Ricky Gervais and the Invention of Lying

Our happy hour fact to amaze the drunks in the pub.

Vegetarians and vegans have weaker bones than those who eat meat.

Researchers from Australia and Vietnam tested 2,700 people with varied diets and found that the bones of vegetarians were 5 percent less dense than those of meat eaters. Vegans' were 6 percent weaker. Adding eggs to a vegetarian diet seemed to make up for much of the gap.

The study did not determine if this discrepancy in bone strength would lead to increased injury, but the authors recommend resolution on that issue.

Just to be sure, we recommend consuming the maximum amount of bacon and eggs that you possibly can this weekend. Not that you weren't planning on doing that anyway.

According to science, the logic behind having a traditional "wingman" is dubious. While there is no doubt your friend would like to be a good chap and help get you laid, there are all sorts of evolutionary urges that have him wanting to scoop up all the most fertile ladies for himself.

But every once in awhile, a study like this one about how daily sex is good for fertility comes across our desks and makes us think science is a pretty cool sort of guy, with our best interests at heart. So we decided to round up some of those sex studies whose conclusions seem designed to help you smooth-talk women -- be they your wife, girlfriend or the lovely lady you're about to meet -- into the sack.

After the jump, seven scenarios in which you can use science as your wingman.

Dear America,

First things first -- we love your country. We love your food, your movies and your pleasantly sweet refusals to rejoin the British Empire.

We just can't stand that you love America so much. At least, we can't stand that you love America so loudly.

Whether it's chants of "USA! USA!" at the Ryder Cup, or cheesy Hollywood films like U-571 (where the USA always saves the day, no matter what sanity or the historical record will tell you) we just can't help but get annoyed by the sheer volume of your luminous patriotism.

That's why, this July Fourth, we're showcasing the worst examples we could of your countrymen taking patriotism just a smidge too far.

All we're trying to say is that if you're etching a nudie version of the Statue of Liberty in permanent ink on your backside, you might be trying to compensate for something.

Take a lesson out of our book -- love your country, but love it quietly.

Yours,

Sir Hubert TC William Buxomely
Representative of the Former British Empire

(Our weekly grab-bag of tasty treats to enjoy over the weekend.)

Gigs: Everyone's favourite pseudo-dub-arena-rock-whatever band Kasabian have just put tickets on sale for their huge tour in November. Demand is likely to be ridiculously massive after their Glastonbury shows so make sure to find five minutes these weekend and grab a pair or twenty

In other gig news, this weekend is the Wireless Festival featuring performances from Basement Jaxx and Dizee Rascal, and Jeff Beck is kicking out some old-school grooves at the Royal Albert Hall.

Films: If you have kids you'll probably be spending at least part of the weekend watching Ice Age 3. Poor you. If you want something more exciting you might want to check out "Trying Not To F**K It Up". It's a new indie documentary about head-explodingly brilliant Scots band Ballboy, and we recommend it highly. It's on at the ROXY in South London on Sunday at 7.30pm, and the band will be there to play an acoustic set.

Check out an exclusive Asylum clip below. The fact that the featured song is called "I Don't Have Time To Stand Here With You Fighting About the Size of My Dick" should give you enough reason to go.



DVDs: Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino is out this week, and so is Benicio Tel Doro's two-part epic Che. However, if your girlfriend is pissed off at you for spending your week's wages on Kasabian tickets, maybe you could pick her up Confessions of a Shopaholic on DVD to say sorry.

Games: Call of Juarez is out on PS3 this week, to help you indulge your bloodlust, but we suggest picking up Virtua Tennis 2009 for the Wii instead, so that when Andy Murray loses (probably) you can prove to everyone in your house that you are, in fact, better than him.