This tirade was delivered to the Asylum offices by gold-plated carrier pigeon in the early hours of the morning. While it does not necessarily represent the views of the Asylum staff, we think it might have a point. Happy independence day! God Bless America!

Dear Americans,

On this day, 232 years ago, the Declaration of Independence was signed and sealed, forming the United States as its own nation and ending your colonial union with Britain and her empires.

I think we can all agree, that idea has run its course.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to the best of us. We in Britain tried to form a republic once -- back in 1642. We killed the king. It failed. We moved on. You can, too. It might sting at first, but that's nothing that time won't solve.

(Anyway, 1776 was never really your revolution rebellion at all. Back then most of you were, by definition, actually still British. This whole thing was really an unfortunate civil war and if anyone gets to take credit for that, it should be us. So why don't we get a day off work?)

Now, we realise that you might have a few reservations about rejoining the fold. You seem so awfully attached to that "Constitution" of yours, -- or as I like to call it, the "Document of Needless and Ungrateful Disobedience." But in anticipation of your scepticism, I have prepared some arguments to entice you back into the Queen's cold, cold embrace:

Point-by-point reasoning after the jump.

1. Music. Britain has consistently outperformed America in the musical arts for the last 50 years. The Beatles. The Rolling Stones. The Who. The Clash. Led Zeppelin. Radiohead. Pete Doherty ... er, OK, scratch that last one. But if you rejoin the British Family, you can take credit for all of these, and you won't have to "apologize" for Britney any more.

2. Accents. Everyone knows that British accents are a hit with the ladies. Join us and the power of these accents could be yours. (Seriously, have you ever travelled around Europe in the summer with a British accent? You'll never have to pay for a hotel room again.)

3. Beer. American beer is weak, fizzy, made of rice and sold on the promise of tasting about as 'lite' as water. British beer is rich, dark, thick, nutrious and made from oak, beef and rain. There's no contest here. Join us, and drink like kings.

4. The Glory of Disappointment. America is an optimistic nation. That's jolly sweet and everything, but it can't be good for you -- you're just going to let yourselves down. Learn from us -- we Brits don't just expect bad things, we actively seek them out. We embrace them. If you become British, you too can learn the joy that is constant and overwhelming depression.

5. Extra Holidays. We're realistic. If you rejoin the Empire, you'll probably want to break away again in a few years. But that's OK. We're prepared to fight it out. (As long as that fight takes the form of a cricket match or competitive eating contest. Military battles are so uncivilised.) If you win (ha!) you can just celebrate a second Independence Day -- and that means more fireworks, more days off work, and more drinking. If you lose, we can have a good old British knees-up anyway. Everyone's a winner.

Now, in closing I should probably respond to one of the more obvious concerns you may have. Yes -- we do intend to raise taxes. Tea, stamps and firearms will all be hit with large increases. (We're sorry, but we have 232 years of backdated revenues to collect.) Boston Harbour will be turned into a museum of pennance. The 50 stars on the Star Spangled Banner will be replaced with a Union Flag, and hot dogs will be made illegal.

Luckily for you, footballs, monocles, top hats, fish and chips, Oasis records, pictures of the Queen, models of the Tower of London and cricket bats will all be tax free. So on balance, you'll probably come out even.

All we ask is that you think about it. The offer is there. Come back to us. It's never too late to apologise.

The Queen is waiting for your call.

Yours,

Sir. Hubert TC. William Buxomley