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Once upon a time the British Empire ruled, if somewhat questionably, most of the known world. Then we lost to Australia at cricket for the first time in 1882 and it's been a downward spiral ever since.

Since that day the history of England, and more relevantly English cricket -- has been one of relentless defeat, hopelessness and despair.

True, there have been some good moments. There was the 2005 Ashes, the 1981 Ashes... er. Some others, probably. But amidst those fleeting glimpses of hope we've endured nothing less than a constant massacre of our dreams for about a century and a fifth.

Whether it's financial scandals, dramatic losses, cheating and bad sportsmanship, English cricket truly knows the meaning of shame.

On that note we invite you to join us as we take you on a tour of English cricketing failure, defeat and dishonour, after the jump.

The Questionable Sportsmanship of WG Grace

Victorian hero WG Grace was arguably England's greatest ever batsman. He was also a shameful cheat. In one county match he simply refused to leave the field after getting out. "They've come to see me bat, not you umpire," he said. Grace also once coaxed an Aussie batsman out of his crease by asking to chat to him, then threw down his stumps, causing a run-out. For shame, Beardy. For shame.

The Death of English Cricket

If only we'd never lost to Australia in the first place, this whole Ashes saga would never have happened. Unfortunately back in 1882 England lost to Australia by seven runs -- despite the cheating Grace being in the side -- and so suffered their first ever defeat on home soil. The following day the Sporting Times ran an obituary for English cricket, "which died at the Oval on 29th August". We never lived it down.

The Bodyline Tour

Back in 1932, England captain Douglas Jardine devised a plan to bowl only short-length fast balls at a batsman, in hopes of either hitting him or causing a catchable deflection. It worked, several batsmen were injured and England won the series 4-1. Sadly the tactic was also woefully mean-spirited, caused an international incident and was later made illegal. Poor show, chaps. (But secretly well done -- we'd do it now if we could...)



The 1948 Australian "Invincibles"

In 1948 Bradman's Australian team travelled to England for the Ashes. Expectations were high, but England proceeded to collapse at virtually every opportunity , the low-point being their innings of 52 in the final test. Australia won the Ashes 4-0 and nobody in the northern hemisphere ever spoke of it again.

The 1985/6 West Indies Tour

In 1985 England went to the West Indies on a high after winning the Ashes and, led by David Gower, who was so disinterested in practicing his batting that he went sailing instead, were promptly thrashed 5-0. Shocked, England never recovered. They only won two Test series for the rest of the decade.

"Worst Team In The World"

In 1999 England were dumped out of the World Cup in the first round, despite hosting the tournament. They went on to lost a series of Tests 2-1 to New Zealand and were subsequently declared the worst side in the world. Which is harsh, but technically accurate.

Ashes 2006

After winning perhaps the greatest Ashes series in history in 2005 England travelled to Australia the following year to prove they could win away from home. Alas, with Andrew Flintoff assuming captaincy duties until "that" incident with a pedalo and with Steve Harmison bowling like a little girl with an arm made of Plasticine, England were thrashed 5-0. The wounds inflicted on the English fans who stayed up all night to watch the ritual slaughter every night for a month will never fully heal.



Selling England's Soul To Stanford

Who knew that handing the reins of world cricket to an American billionaire with a predilection to landing helicopters on the "hallowed turf" of Lord's would end badly? Er, everyone except the ECB apparently. When it was revealed that Mr. Stanford was as bent as coat-hanger English cricket was brought to its knees. Again.

Losing to... Holland

In 2009 England lost a game of Twenty20 cricket to Holland.

Holland -- a team so poor and inexperienced that they barely knew which end to hold the bat.

Holland!!

We lost to Holland.

Headingley 2009

And so to Headingley, the latest installment in the Englishman's history of self-loathing, bitterness and depression. A single innings of 102 followed by a day of insidiously awful bowling resulted in the most one-sided Ashes result on English turf for 50 years. Here's hoping we can win at the Oval and put this history of crapness behind us. But one glance at the above litany of shame suggests that this will not be the case. Sigh.