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(Our once weekly glance at the less intelligent parts of the criminal underworld.)

This week's winner: Too ugly to be a crook!

Look at him. David Holyoak has a face only a partially-blinded mother could love, unfortunately for him it's also a face a police officer couldn't miss -- and he decided to try his luck as a bank robber.

Police say the distinctive Shrek-like looks of this big-eared crook made a life of crime somewhat ambitious for Big Dave.

The 33-year-old from Manchester had been part of a raid on a Halifax bank near Preston - where his gang had smashed a glass security window and threatened a cashier with a sledgehammer - before making off with £6,000 in cash. Find out if he got away with it after the jump...



He didn't. Cops claim it was easy to identify him, because eyewitnesses couldn't help but notice his ears - which make him look like his own getaway car with its doors open.

In fact, when witnesses were quizzed to see what they could remember about the robbers, his ears were the first thing many of them mentioned - but then again a robber who has to walk through a doorway sideways is going to stick in the mind, right?

However, before they were able to bring the easily-recognisable man in for questioning, he struck again.

This time his target was a security guard delivering cash to a Post Office. His gang - now wearing masks (oh how we wish one of them had been wearing a Princess Fiona mask) and carrying weapons - followed the guard into the Post Office and snatched the cash box.

While they had been seen by a police surveillance car, they could have got away -- if they hadn't proceeded to plough their getaway car straight into a tree. They fled the scene, but were soon picked up by police as they hid in a nearby garden.

Rozzers said his looks make him a "total liability" to any criminal gang because his ears make him easy to identify, even when wearing a mask and that he was "one of the ugliest robbers in the country." Harsh, but true.


The Runners Up

Man dresses up as fugitive -- gets arrested:

After overhearing the details of a fugitive on the run from police near his house, Russell Spade had just one question on his mind. If he went outside dressed as the fugitive, would they notice him?

Yes and yes again.

Spade had been listening in on an emergency radio scanner (points for craftiness) when he heard that six officers, a helicopter and a police dog were searching his local area of Redding, California, for a man who had tried to break into a nearby building.

Upon hearing the fugitive was wearing khaki trousers and a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt he promptly dived into his wardrobe, hunted out the clobber, got changed and went to stand outside his home -- to see if he would get noticed. (Deduct points for pointlessness).

If by "noticed" he meant "arrested on suspicion of obstructing and delaying a police officer" then the answer was a resounding yes.

"Well, we noticed him," said Sgt. Steve Moravec dryly, adding that they soon realised he was not the fugitive, because other than the clothes he didn't fit the description of the suspect. At all.

Driver crashes into cyclist... while texting... about drug deal

Asylum's Rules of Dumb Crookery #37: If you are already getting charged with one crime, DO NOT inadvertently own up to another, more serious wrongdoing.

Robert Sharrer had been driving down a road in New Jersey when he accidentally crashed into a cyclist knocking her off her bike and causing injuries.

He should have seen her. Lisa Granert, 42 was wearing a reflective-style traffic vest and was positioned correctly in the road - but Sharrer was otherwise occupied.

When police asked him how the accident had happened, he said he couldn't remember -- but admitted that he had been sending a text message. That would be bad enough you might think, but he wouldn't have made it to Criminal Idiocy if he had stopped there.

Police innocently asked him what could have been texting that was so important, and he let slip he was arranging a deal for the stash of prescription drugs he had with him in his car.

Charges of drug possession with the intent to distribute were quickly added to his paperwork.