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Christmas time - mistletoe... and sex!The festive period is as good as any other for naughtiness.Though combining sex and presents can lead to disaster especially if you're opening your presents with her family. So being the thoughtful people we are, we thought we'd give you a heads up as to the sexy Christmas gifts you should really avoid.
One bit of advice we can offer before we start: If you don't know for sure what your lovely lady wants the best policy is to ask her, because although a nice surprise is ace, a bad surprise might ruin Christmas day. Tears won't make your turkey taste nice.
We even tracked down a gift expert, Laura from Incognito gifts in Manchester, to add her expert opinion on the smutty presents we dug up
See some truly bizarre SeXmas presents after the break.
Lovers Candle £12How do you like your candles? Scented? On top of cake? Or expertly moulded into the shape of a nudey man and woman. The wick comes out of the top of his head - that's not sexy.
Laura says: "I thought it was a bronze cast, like the sort your nan has on her mantle piece, but this isn't much better. What happens once you light it - surely they just melt? How is melting people sexy. I don't know though it depends on her sense of humour, it might be her thing."
Christmas kisses? XXXX
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Humping Piggie Salt and Pepper set £8Pigs are cute. Pigs humping - not cute. On the upside a pair of these porcelain piggies on your Christmas dinner table will shock the socks off batty Aunt Betty.
Laura says: "I actually quite like them, they look well made and their quite cute and cheeky. Although it really depends on who you you're having round from Christmas. Probably not best if your inlaws are the stuffy sort."
Christmas kisses? XXXXXXX
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Erotic Ashtray £26This black porcelain ashtray has a two sexy characters humping on the back of it and looks a bit like a prop from Scarface. And oddly it's so repulsive we actually quite like it. The irony of sitting in a pair of fluffy slippers and your Christmas jumper, drinking a cup of tea and dunking a crunch cream while flicking ash into this sexy monstrocity is just too good to pass up.
Laura says: "Oh wow. Oh god. Erm... it's awful. If someone bought me this seriously, I'd be angry, having said that I would have it in my house, it's gawdy and gross in a way I find appealing. From a craftmanship point of view, it looks pretty awful."
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After Dinner Willies £4.95You've just finished your Christmas dinner. The turkey was moist, the stuffing was delicious and the sauces were sumptuous. Your Dad has sweated through his third paper cracker crown and Nan is asleep on the sofa. But your sweet tooth is itching. Time for a mint chocolate penis? Erm... no.
Laura says: "There is something a bit cloyingly wacky about chocolate cocks. They're just trying a bit hard arent they? Someone in your family will find them hilarious but it'll probably be the person who you try to sit furthest away from at the dinner table."
Christmas kisses? XXX
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Pornoment Gingerbread Tree Decoration £14.99This lovely hand-painted glass tree decoration shows a pair of horny gingerbread... people, doing it. Not one we recommend you buy for your girlfriend, but actually might work for a flighty aunty. We can see that some genuine skill has gone into making this.
Laura says: "Haha [prolonged and vaguely terrifying laughter] haha, I really like this - it's so cute. And its subtle to, you could just slip it onto your tree and no one would know, it'll be a lovely cheeky surprise for anyone looking at your tree. I want one."
Christmas kisses? XXXXXXXXXX
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Santa's Favourite Helper Outfit £36.95If you buy this for the girlfriend, she won't consider it a present, because as we all know it's really for you. We're not sure about the connotations either. What is the girl wearing this actually meant to be? If she is Santa's helper does that make her an elf? Are elves sexy?
Laura says: "Oh no, this is the worst, easily. If my boyfriend bought me this, I wouldn't be wearing it, he'd be eating it. And 36 quid! Are you joking? It looks cheap and clingy. I'm angry."
Christmas kisses? X
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Bedroom Sutra Board Game £9We like board games and we like sex. But in our eyes never the twain should meet. Imagine the scenario, you're in the bedroom, things are getting hot and heavy... then you stop to role a dice? Might kill the moment.
Laura says: "I've played games like this before - never like in situ, like, where they should be played, but with some chums after a few glasses of wine, they can be really fun actually. Having said that I'd rather play Monopoly."
Christmas kisses? XXXXXX
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Sex In The Shower Single Locking Suction Foot Rest £12.99A pretty long-winded name for a product we'd love to have seen on Dragons' Den. Basically it's a little platform for your lady to pop her foot on while you're, ahem, "playing hide the loofah", to make "access" a little easier. It could also double as a sturdy soap dish.
Laura says: "Wow, well if they hadn't already, you wouldn't invent it. It's an odd one. Isn't the point of sex in the shower, that it's spontaneous? If every time you want some nooky in the shower, you have to stop and attach this little foot stool, wouldn't that kind of spoil the moment? It's not good."
Christmas kisses? XXXX
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