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At the Asylum Arms, it's an age old debate – if you could have any animal as a friend (Deamons from His Dark Materials-style), and, more importantly, as a drinking buddy, which would it be?

We're keen to point out that no imaginary animals were given alcohol, be it even a cheeky little WKD, over the course of our discussion, and nor were any make-believe pets harmed in any way. It's just one of those questions – which beastie would be your best mate?

Fortunately for you lot we've distilled our rambling and slightly inebriated conversations into some snappy summaries of the potential candidates. Check them out after the jump.

The Bear - The wise old git

A wise ol' bean, our man Bear is typically found sitting at the bar, reading the paper from cover to cover and wishing he could still smoke his pipe indoors. He cuts a foreboding figure with his half-moon glasses and slightly thinning thatch on top, but his reliable knowledge of all thing honey, salmon and current affairs-related make him an indispensible conversational companion – and he's the go to man for anything you need help with on the quiz machine.

St Bernard - The faithful friend

Loyal, dopey, and always willing to chuckle at your jokes (even though nine times out of ten he doesn't get them), St Bernard is the dog to call if you've got something to moan about ad infinitum, or just want someone to listen. He's also got a 'secret' stash of rum around his neck, so that's always, ahem, useful.

Snake - The slippery wheeler-dealer

Difficult to please, even harder to get a hold of, Snake is not the law's best friend. Stick around with him for too long and you'll be carting plumbing equipment down the street in a shopping trolley to flog 'to this guy I know'. On the other hand, he's always has something to sell you – you've never got your Mach 3 razor blades from anywhere else.

Hyena - The crazy comedian

Impossibly hilarious, totally wild, Hyena is the animal to turn to when you feel like going crazy, laughing your arse off, and ending up tied to a lamppost in a town 20 miles away. You can hear him from streets away thanks to his enormous drain-like laugh – but beware he's an obsessive gambler and will happily snort salt to get a free drink.

Parrot - The chatterbox

Irredeemably chatty but almost totally air-headed, Parrot has nothing of real interest to say, but his huge knowledge of football stats (thanks to his obsession with Champ Man) make him the ultimate authority on all things Fantasy League. He also sports a ludicrously bad haircut, which everyone (even passing kids in the street) call him up on.

Elephant – The bruiser

Despite his effeminate name, you don't mess with Nelly. Rugby hero and weightlifting champion, he's the fella you need by your side when some uppetty Mongoose starts giving you chat. Not an animal of words, you understand, this is a mate who speaks with his fists (feet?), and speaks loudly with them at that. Will drink you under the table any night of the week, so don't get cocky either.


Mallard – The wingman

Suave, confident, sleek and well dressed (always wearing a collar), Mallard is the mate your ex-girlfriend wouldn't stop talking about. Handsome and good at everything (swimming, walking and flying!), he can and does charm the birds out the trees. Fortunately he's respectful of your own attempts with the ladies, more than willing to take a waddle back when you're making your moves. But one slip-up and he's there with a wise crack that will save you from ignominious social disaster. Top buddy, no mistake.