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Being a man isn't what it used to be, for better or worse. We're expected to wear pants most of the time, for starters, and we have to navigate a minefield of other heightened expectations. Truth be told, we've never really gotten over the whole "knives and forks" thing.

One thing that doesn't change is the fact that there are things a man shouldn't say, particularly among other men. Some, like "lovely," are obvious. Others are not so obvious, which is why we have so kindly created this handy tip sheet on how to navigate the linguistic minefields of diminished masculinity.

5. Spelling It Out
A real man uses the military alphabet. We never want to hear a guy on the phone with a telemarketer saying, "Yeah, 'h' as in ... horticulture ..." You can get by with the police alphabet if you don't mind letters like "Ida," "Mary" and "Queen," but we'll stick to the NATO alphabet, Oscar Kilo?

4. Effusive Descriptives
Fill in the blanks: "Dude, I just had the most _____ [steak / game of some sort / sexual encounter]!"

There's a very long list of unacceptable descriptives: spectacular, fabulous, breathtaking, wonderful, yummy, scrumptious, delectable, you get the idea. While there are contextual variables, you're pretty much always safe using "awesome" here.

3. French Words
This is tricky, because there are some, like rendezvous, that are pretty cool in the right context. Still, as a general rule, avoid saying things like:

"Yeah, I'm her beau, what's it to you?"

"Dude, throwback jerseys are so déclassé."

"The designated hitter rule is a pain in my derriere!"

"Is that white chocolate fondant?"

This rule also works for Italian, as using words like "Ciao!" scream douche. If you want to sound manly and you must sprinkle in a foreign language, try Austrian-accented Spanish.

2. Relating Secondhand Information
When relating secondhand information to your pals, source attribution is very important. Even if it's true, never say "Y'know, my hairdresser was telling me ..." You want to treat these people (your hairdresser, manicurist, labradoodle groomer, etc.) the way a journalist would treat an anonymous source. Or you could just say Chuck Norris told you.

1. Profanity Substitution
You should only substitute when it's absolutely necessary (in church, at the office when your d-bag boss is around), and when you do, use these guidelines:

F**k: Don't use "frick" unless you've time-traveled back to the second week of the Austin Powers movie release. Frig, frick, fudge, funk, are all equally verboten. You can use "eff," (as in "What the eff?"), but not "effing." "Frak" or "frakking" works in most situations.

S**t: No -- shiitake mushrooms, shite, shiznit. Yes -- scheize.

For all other curses, just wait until you're able to speak freely. It's not worth it.