20 Comments
On a recent trip to the US of A, one member of Team Asylum went to New York. You know, for the shopping an' that. Whilst there, he noticed a couple of things: one, American McDonald's burgers are approximately 3452% tastier than their British counterparts and two, New York is almost nothing like Old York back in blighty. They're rubbish at cricket, for starters, and make a crappy cup of tea.

Performing a mental feat most Nobel Prize winners would kill ten thousand lab rats to have had, he realised that bar a couple of exceptions (including The Big Apple), all British towns that American towns have taken their names from remain bigger, better and awesomer than their new US cousins.

This, he decided, was yet more definitive proof that the UK remains far, far superior to America in innumerable, infinite ways, and typed out his findings to make his case better known. Here are his discoveries, so you too can realise that the Old Country remains the better country.

Read it and weep, Yankees!

American version: New York, New York, pop: 19.5m
British version: York, Yorkshire, pop: 195,400
The case for America: It's easily one of the greatest, coolest, most fun cities in the entire universe; they make a damn fine salt beef on rye; it's the home of the Yankees and the Mets; it boasts the world's finest nightclubs and remains one of the financial and diplomatic centres of the world. Beat that.
The case for Britain: Top cathedral, wicked chocolate factory (they make KitKats and Yorkies there) and, um, they play a damn fine game of cricket.
The decision: After much hand-wringing and gnashing of the teeth, it's one for the Yankees. They've got the U.N. there, you can't argue with that.
Score so far: US: 1 UK: 0

American version: Boston, Massachusetts, pop: 620,535
British version: Boston, Lincolnshire, pop: 58,000
The case for America: It's the home of the Boston Tea Party (not as refined as you might think), the Red Sox, several heavy buckets of US history, the sitcom Cheers and one of the most fantastically indecipherable accents in the United States.
The case for Britain: St Botolph's Church, officially the largest parish church in England, with the tallest spire to boot, and, um, well, quite a big Tesco.
The decision: Boston, US, no contest. Have you ever tried Clam Chowder? Case closed, your honour.
Score so far: US: 2 UK: 0

American version: London, Kentucky, pop: 5,692
British version: London, England pop: 7,556,900
The case for America: Hosting the World Chicken Festival, this Kentucky town brings in 50 times its population in visitors every year. And that's it, really. It's got a pretty courthouse, if you like that kind of thing.
The case for Britain: Big Ben, The London Eye, Trafalgar Square, Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham, Fulham and West Ham football clubs, the birthplace of punk, Oxford Street, Regent's Park, Buckingham Palace, great musicals (again, if you like that sort of thing) and, well, the list goes on...
The decision: London, England, if only because population-wise, we'd kick their arses in a snowball fight – finally one for the Brits!
Score so far: US: 2 UK: 1

American version: Birmingham, Alabama, pop: 229,800
British version: Birmingham, The West Midlands pop: 1,016,800
The case for America: It was the centre of the African-American civil rights movements in the 50s and 60s, it boasts an impressive music complex, botanical gardens and a great jazz festival. Oh, and the space shuttle program was started there. Kinda cool, yeah, sure.
The case for Britain: As the second city, it's pretty much got it all, with an outstanding shopping district, three top-tier football clubs, a world famous jewelery district, a large canal network, history coming out of its metaphorical earholes and a Selfridges shaped like an armadillo.
The decision: Birmingham, England, because we're biased, and, well, right.
Score so far: US: 2 UK: 2

American version: Edinburgh, Indiana, pop: 4,505
British version: Edinburgh, Scotland pop: 471,650
The case for America: The national guard are trained in a camp nearby, and two rivers ('The Big Blue' and 'Sugar Creek') meet one mile away. And... that's pretty much it really.
The case for Britain: A tip-top castle, and no mistake (buildings America severely lacks, we might add – and no, the Disney one "disnae" count), the gorgeous Princes Street gardens, The Old Town, and, indeed, The New Town (also old) and, of course, The Edinburgh Festival of Arts, which is pretty much the mutt's nuts.
The decision: Edinburgh, Scotland – we're comedy fans, what can we say?
Score so far: US: 2 UK: 3

American version: Cardiff, Alabama, pop: 82
British version: Cardiff, Wales, pop: 324,800
The case for America: They used to mine coal there.
The case for Britain: It's the capital of Wales, and has the Millennium Stadium, hosting both football and rugby matches. It's also got four castles, shopping at Queen Street, Roath and Bute Park (both great parks, we promise you), and it's an amazing sporting centre, and they also used to mine coal there. What's more, everyone can sing really well in Cardiff. We're not sure why.
The decision: Cardiff, Wales – if only for giving us the ever delightful Shirley Bassey.
Score so far: US: 2 UK: 4 – another decisive victory for Team Britain!



Enjoyed this? Follow us on Twitter and Facebook to keep up to date.